Leading with Empathy
Expressing empathy is an essential leadership skill in today’s world. It’s the number one skill I see new leaders and managers struggling to do well, and it’s a skill that will have an immediate impact on your team.
We live in difficult and uncertain times, and people are struggling to feel seen and heard. There are few tools in a leader’s toolbox that are more effective for connecting with others and helping them feel seen and heard. And as an added bonus, expressing empathy makes your life easier as a leader because it lets you show up as your whole self and focus on the person next to you instead of the problem in front of you.
I wrote about empathy as part of the BEE Clear framework -- boundaries, empathy, and expectations -- and I offered three ways to use empathy as a leader: empathetic statement, naming the emotion, and empathy stacking. Today, I am going to expand on those three ways to incorporate empathy into your leadership practice.
If I had to boil emotional intelligence down to two practices, it would be “expressing empathy” and “pausing.” By pausing, I mean, letting the other person talk. For each of these tools, it’s helpful to say one thing and then pause to let the other person respond. (I know it sounds obvious, but in the moment, we always forget to allow that space for the other person to respond.)
Empathetic Statements
Offering an empathetic statement is about showing that you care and are present with the other person as quickly as possible. With rare exceptions, you already have the ability to do this, and if you feel like you don’t connect well with your team or they don’t feel like you care about them, then this is a great place to start. Empathetic statements are also a very effective way to de-escalate a conflict.
First, find one or two go-to statements you can use for people having negative experiences. It may feel artificial to use the same one or two phrases over and over again, but it’s helpful to be skillful with one or two to start, and then you can add more later (if you need them).
Here’s a list to get you started:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I can see this is really upsetting you.”
“It sounds like you are feeling really frustrated.”
“It’s understandable* you are so mad. I would be, too.”
“Can you tell me more?”
*Avoid the phrase, “I understand.” You don’t actually understand what they are feeling and you will only trigger them more. “It’s understandable” will convey a similar sentiment and is less likely to trigger the other person.
In offering empathetic statements to de-escalate a conflict, err on the side of overshooting, rather than undershooting. If you go too big, people will let you know you went too far and that alone will often start to reduce the conflict and tension.
Naming the Emotion
Naming the emotion is similar to empathetic statements. The main idea here is to simply name what you see or hear going on for the other person. It will be okay if you name the wrong emotion as long as you are sincere in your effort.
This tool is powerful because in naming the emotion of the other person it causes you to call up that same emotion in yourself. It puts you in the same emotional field as the other person, and it creates the opportunity for that person to feel seen and heard.
The basic structure of this tool is “I hear” or “I see” followed by an emotion. Here are some examples to get you started:
“I hear you are [disappointed].”
“I see you are [upset].”
“I can hear how [angry] you are.”
“I see the [joy] in your face.”
Similar to empathetic statements, when naming the emotion to de-escalate conflict, overshoot the emotion and let the other person correct you.
Empathy Stacking
The last tool in this set is empathy stacking, which is when you offer two or more empathetic statements in a row. Like the other tools, empathy stacking is most powerful when you offer your two or three empathetic statements and then pause to let the other person respond.
For example:
“I can see you are really upset. That’s really understandable.” (pause)
“I hear your disappointment. [This situation] would disappoint me, too.” (pause)
“I hear how angry you are. I want to help.” (pause)
When done with sincerity, empathy stacking can rapidly create a feeling of connectedness and is especially effective at de-escalating conflict or anger. If the first set of empathy stacking doesn’t land, try again.
A note of caution with empathy stacking. It may seem like simple addition, but it is trickier to get right than the first two tools. I often hold off on training my clients in empathy stacking until they are comfortable and skillful with empathetic statements and naming the emotion. This caution isn’t to say don’t try empathy stacking, but rather know that it is an advanced empathetic skill.
I hope these three tools help you increase your ability to connect and be present with teammates and loved ones. The most important part of using empathy as a leader is to try and be willing to clean it up when if you get it wrong. Humility and curiosity go a long way when trying to offer empathy.
When in doubt, be honest
If you don’t know what to say, be honest and tell them, “I don’t know what to say, but I want to support you.” At worst, you let them know that you are human. At best, you show a level of vulnerability that helps them trust you more.
The risk I see for most of my clients is seeing empathy as inappropriate or unprofessional, so they withhold the empathy they are feeling because they fear being seen as weak or flawed. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of sincere empathy, I’m sure you know that feeling of connectedness that feels like anything but weak or flawed.